Analyse this...

Ugh, Facebook is both the best and the worst thing ever invented. I love, but freaking hate it. Everything is fraught with possible hidden meanings... of course, I realise that most of those hidden meanings probably only exist in my over-analytical mind, but there they are.

Today, The Boy sent me a 'hug' through Facebook...
Did he actually intend to send me a hug?
Does he even know that he sent me a hug?
Was it an accident?
Did it happen automatically when he accepted a hug from someone else?
Did he send one to all of his friends?
Should I 'accept' the hug or just ignore it?
If he did send the hug, why did he send it?
All I want is an actual, real hug from him.

Fuck, I'm such a stupid girl.

Making out Breaking up in Korean

The Boy and I were discussing the Korean 'phrasebook' Making out in Korean on the phone the other day. That book is some good shit. Not because of its educational factor which is pretty minimal, but because of its amusement factor which is high... What's funnier (in the immature sense, of course) than learning how to say 'Go home and masturbate!' or 'You look like a penis!' in Korean??? Tee hee.

We were laughing away merrily when The Boy started discussing the 'Farewell' (read: breakup) phrases and then BOOM we were broken up. That boy is 벌레만도 못한 새끼. Seriously. First of all, what kind of fucked up way is that to end a long-term relationship? It's like a bad plot-line from a TV show (hello, Berger's Post-it) or a punchline to a joke. I wouldn't even believe it if it hadn't happened to me. Second of all, that 개 새끼 really needs to work on his timing. For some reason he only seems to be capable of conveying those types of feelings after lulling me into a false sense of security and lovey-doveyness. We already semi-broke up once which was also not done in the best spirit or time, but that's another story. This time was official and final and would not have been entirely unexpected a couple of months ago when we were going through a weird phase, but took me completely by surprise because we had sorted everything out and things were great... or so he led me to believe.

Apparently, he 'doesn't know what [he] wants from life' and needs to be on his own 'for a while'. Why is it that when people say that they always seemingly manage to 'find' themselves, and with a new girl/boyfriend to boot, within a very short time? In fact, there's a girl who has been leaving extremely flirtatious messages on his Facebook 'wall' for the past couple of weeks, so I wouldn't be surprised if he had 'found' himself already. To add insult to injury, he had the audacity to give me the whole 'but this doesn't change how I feel and I still really care about you and you're still my favourite person in the entire world' speech. Okay, fuckwit, clearly that is bollocks or you wouldn't have just ripped my heart into a million little pieces and then stomped on them. Fuck, what a waste of the last few years of my life.

Everyone has been telling me that I'm better off without him, he's a 'douchebag', and that they always thought I was 'too good' for him anyway. Unfortunately, I don't agree with any of them. I now have this persistent, constant ache. The worst was the next morning after it had happened. I woke up and had a blissful 10 seconds before the memory that we're no longer 'in a relationship' bitch-slapped me like a mother-fucker right across my soul. Certain pabo tendencies aside, he really was a great boyfriend and was there for me at times when most people would have turned their backs. I know my friends are trying to make me feel better by saying that I can 'do better', but really it just makes me feel worse. For starters, I don't really believe in a person being 'too good' for someone else. I mean; what a horrible, shitty judgement to make of someone. But, most importantly, I don't want to do better... I just want him. Le sigh.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

and the stomach grow hungrier. I've been having some serious cravings for Korean food. I try to console myself with the fact that there is a wide and varied selection of cheese in my fridge which would be impossible to come by in Korea, but at the moment all I want is 비빔밥, 보쌈, 김치 만두, 삼겹살, etc; le sigh. Wow, do I miss having my lunch provided everyday at school. Oh, what wouldn't I give for that magical metal tray! Or, having a feast delivered to my home by an ajeosshi on a scooter for the low, low sum of $4. I also miss being able to eat lunch whilst grocery shopping via all the free samples (yes, I am one of those people).

If only there was some way to make Korea not so far away!

What would Emily Post do?

Oh God. I found myself confronted by the most awkward of situations today and had no idea what the proper protocol was. I was over at a friend's place and she was wearing these new pjs that she had just bought. She kept saying how cute they were, how comfortable they were and how much she loved them. In fact, they were so cute she thought she might wear the top out as an actual top. This was fine, except her boob kept popping in and out of the shirt!!! AWKWARD. 'Aren't these cute?' Nipple. 'Actually, this top doesn't even look like a pajama top.' Nipple. 'It's so cute I might wear it as an actual top, no one would know.' Nipple. She was totally oblivious to the fact that she was flashing me every 30 seconds. I haven't known her very long and I'm generally sort of shy when it comes to that sort of thing, plus she was so into the idea of wearing the top 'out' that I didn't really know how to tell her that I was becoming rather more acquainted with her anatomy than probably either of us would like. I settled for saying as earnestly as I possibly could, 'Please don't wear that shirt out. It's better just to wear it around the house.'... Hopefully she listens!

On the way home, I passed a little girl speaking Korean to her mother. Hearing the familiar words pulled on my heartstrings a little. I was half-tempted to try and make friends with them. We could have reminisced together about missing kimchi, 'service' and Korean autumn.

Falling out of reach...

That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling. When I went to Korea I thought about many things : Would I make a good teacher? Would I learn Korean? Would I like it??? The one thing that I didn't think about was leaving. Turns out, that's the hardest part. Readjusting to life back in the Real World is proving to be difficult. I find myself missing Korea and the life I lived there... and with no one to talk to about it. My friends listen politely, but can't really relate. I suppose that's the reason for starting this blog. I need some outlet for my thoughts, so rather than continuing to weary those around me with my emo musings, I'll post them here.